Mansex, Xigbar, and the Sex Ed from Hell
by SnowQueen83
Summary: Ever see that scene from Teen Witch where Louise handed in her smutfic oneshot by accident and the teacher read it out loud like a dick? Kind of like that, but gayer. warnins include: 4th wall au, sex talk, cursing, creepy teachers, and smart-mouthed whipper-snappers. May have more chapters


Xemnas looked over his class with mild disgust. The future generation; all of the hope and potential of the world.

"Quiet down, you mouth-breathing nematodes!" He dropped three textbooks on his desk, causing the kids to flinch.

"Now..." He locked eyes with a few of his "problem cases." Axel, Riku, and Demyx always sat close to one another, the former lounging casually, carelessly, while the latter bounded and chatted away. They looked older because they _were _older; held back for failing to complete their education properly.

Now they were stock still, gazes relatively focused with the rest of their friends.

"Today, as I'm sure most of you are well aware, we begin our yearly track of family life education."

Groans erupted from different clusters across the room. Both the boys and girls looked anywhere from horror-stricken to eager, knowing that they were going to see and talk about naughty bits. Some of the shier students were blushing, but obligingly took out their notebooks and pencils.

"Not this shit again," Sora sighed, flinching a bit when Riku elbowed him.

"Don't be like that, Sor. At least it's all standard stuff to you now."

Sora blushed and smacked Kairi, who was snickering at him and the glare Riku was sending her way. She wasn't just talking about the fact that the schools made them take this damn course every year since late elementary school.

"I know how this goes, so this year, I've enlisted some help with the first class. Xigbar, to be exact," Xemnas said, waving his hand dismissively. He had long ago given up demanding the respect of any teacher being addressed as "mr." or "ms." anything, along with his passion for teaching astrology.

"Heya, kids!" Xigbar practically slid into the room, carrying a stack of papers under one arm. "Are y'all excited to learn the great, dirty secrets of sex?!"

Silence answered him, in its own special way.

"Good! Well, this time around, I'm helpin' out! And I think I've found a super awesome new way to get it across!" He grinned, setting the stack on the desk and lifting up the first page to show the class.

Zexion promptly did a spit take. The fact that he hadn't been drinking anything was irrelevant.

"IS THAT PORN OF ME?!" Demyx screeched, pointing at it dramatically.

"You betcha, kiddo. You and smexy Zexy over there, doing the nasty." Xigbar's grin widened creepily. "How's it look?"

The blonde mullet-head turned bright red, while his similarly flabbier-gasted friend appeared to be going a shade of pale green.

The rest of the class stared long and hard at the picture, expertly drawn and colored.

"No way," Roxas whispered, glancing over at Axel. "That can't be real, right?"

"Nah, it's just fan art. Can't you see the poorly-done shadows?" Axel pointed, but was too far away to narrow down anything specifically. "And anyway, you think those two would be that open about it? To take photos or anything like that?"

"Correct-a-mundo, Axel!" Xigbar shouted. "And, for those of you new to the wonders of photoshop, I'll show you other ways to figure it out...But that will come later, pun intended."

Demyx slammed his head down onto his desk and groaned, ignoring the stares from his classmates and one very pissed off boyfriend.

The next twenty minutes passed with Xigbar showing off more drawings and even reading a bit of amateur fiction he'd found on the web. Not all of it was centered on gay relationships, but there were enough couples in the class on all ends of the spectrum who could find it relevant.

_"...And Riku kissed and touched him, thrusting rhythmically into that tight heat between his legs. Sora clenched and jerked and cried out into the night, his face flushed with unequivocal pleasure._

_'Oh, Riku...please! M-More!'_

_The silveret groaned and pounded into him hard, finally releasing the creamy seed deep within the pulsing entrance._

_His lover moaned and kissed him back, as he also came, splattering the white fluid between their stomachs._

_Even amid their gasping cries, the two were already reaching for each other once again..."_

"So class, can anyone tell me how this scene doesn't work?" Xemnas said, the smallest hint of a smile crossing his otherwise stern face. A few girls in the class began muttering.

"Because it's an invasion of privacy?" Sora shouted, red-faced. "And not true!"

"Because it's lawsuit central!" Riku added, equally flustered by then.

"BZZZZ! Wrong!" Xigbar replied, wagging his finger. "Anyone else?"

Kairi reluctantly raised her hand then.

"Yes, Ms. Blake?" Xemnas drawled.

"Well, I don't know the writer," she said, though her eyes pointedly darted across the room before settling firmly back at the front, on her two teachers. Sora and Riku didn't follow her gaze, but that was probably a good thing. A gruesome murder might have been committed that day. "But I've seen movies that face the same issue."

"And what issue is that?"

"Either the writer doesn't know how sex really works, or he does and just chooses to write it in a flowery, heavily fantasized way."

"Very good!" Xigbar clapped a few times. "And what is the potential danger of that, Kairi?"

The young redhead fumbled through her bag for a second before drawing out a pair of round, large-frammed glasses. She set them on her face, coughed once, then closed her eyes, raised a single finger, and began speaking with a formal, near-British affectation.

"'The media perpetuates false information that leads young people of all gender-identities to be confused and/or dissatisfied when they begin to engage in sexual discovery, let alone romantic relationships. They may also share this information with others, who may or may not be aware of the complications of sex, and thus face pain, shame, confusion, dissatisfaction, fear, and, in some cases, medical conditions, diseases, or unwanted/unplanned for children.'"

"Excellently put, Ms. Blake. Though I am sure that Mr. Luxord would not appreciate your condescension."

Some of her classmates chuckled as Kairi shrugged, removing her glasses and putting them away. Then she pulled out a water bottle and took a quick swig.

"Hey, mimicry is the highest form of flattery."

"She makes a good point though!" Xigbar added, drawing the attention back to him. "Ain't nothing wrong with fantasy, so long as you know that's what it is! The thing with romcoms, chick flicks, and porn is that they drilled into people's heads how sex and relationships should go, but a lot of the time, that's not how they go at all!

So, let's play a little Where's Waldo here! What about this scene is unrealistic?...Anyone?"

"That it's two dudes porking?" Seifer offered waspishly.

"Fuck off, you homophobic fucktard!"

"ENOUGH!" Xemnas shouted, while Xigbar just shook his head. "Unless you are willing to produce an actually thoughtful observation, you will keep silent! And that word will _never_ be tolerated in any class of mine, Riku!"

"He started it! And you guys are the ones showing off pervy stuff of your students in class! _How is this really happening?!_"

The pony-tailed teacher shrugged. "Might be a nightmare. Pinch yourself

Namine raised her hand, then spoke softly when she was called on, head angled down and face flaming.

"Uh...well...I'm pretty sure that the uh...anus and the vagina function differently."

"Yep! The writer of this little piece of work treats the ass like a male vagina, but it doesn't work like that.

First off, sex always hurts the first time. Always, even if both parties are totally into it. Second, the ass is dry. Not like the vagina, which wets itself when arousal happens. The ass needs the person taking it up there to relax a whole lot, and use a lot of lube. Take note, boys: spit dries up quick, so it makes for a shitty and often painful lubricant. Pun intended."

Roxas blinked and blushed, looking over at his friend Sora, only to find a sweatshirt hood pulled down and tightened closed over his face. Riku looked at his desk and traced the carved lines with his fingers. His expression was somewhere between angry and guilty.

"Third, and leading off of my last point: butts make poop!" Xigbar threw his arms wide, as if he were revealing the Ten Commandments or some other great, divine truth. "Some people tend to forget this, but if you're playing around in someone's ass in any way, it'd be good to remember. It's not very clean, can cause infections for you or the person in you, or STDs...actually, that's why a lot of people called AIDs the "gay man's disease" for so long. Never mind that there are many types of gay sex out there, and plenty of straight people dig anal too..."

"But what about the prostate?" Someone in the back of the class asked.

"It can function like the female G spot," Xemnas said simply. "That is true enough, but otherwise, the anus requires a lot of preparation and clean up when used in any sort of sexual play. Condoms are one of the cleanest and safest methods to prevent both disease and conception, but many disregard them for hindering pleasure."

"That's never a good excuse, by the way," Xigbar added. "If you want to be safe, but your partner resists, you may want to rethink your relationship...But speaking of pregnancy, one screw without protection doesn't guarantee conception. It can increase your chances, though, if you're young, healthy, and not on any other kind of birth control. Older folks tend to have more trouble, which is a shame because they typically _are _trying to get a bun in the oven."

Some of the students began scribbling notes, but almost everyone was blushing by now.

"Back to this exercise, let's try thinking of it another way. Does anyone have any questions about this scene written here?"

Axel raised his hand.

"Yeah, fire crotch?"

The young redhead rolled his eyes. "You mentioned that sex always hurts. Is that really true?"

"For the most part, kiddo, and we're talking penetrative sex here. It depends on the situation, like if both partners are new to sex, or just one. How experienced are they both, and how much does the one giving care about the feelings of the one receiving? Add to that the complications of using an ass, or breaking the hymen, if it wasn't broken by something else. Big penis vs small penis. Big vagina vs small vagina."

"And we would jointly like to point out that this class is no substitute for talking to your doctors," Xemnas added. "It's important to discuss your sexual health openly with your doctors and your sexual partners."

"What he said. Most pain and shame actually comes from miscommunication, or not addressing concerns when they happen."

Another hand was raised, this time by a boy named Tidus.

"Can guys really come multiple times in a few minutes?"

"Not most of them," the second teacher replied. "Some can, but the ability, if you've got it, tends to go down with age. Most guys and girls need what's called a refractory period. No, not related to _that period_." Some of the more juvenile male students laughed. "It lets the body calm down and regroup for more rounds.

For those of you who don't know, orgasm is a nice, warm, tingly feeling in your junk accompanied by several seconds of pleasurable muscle spasms. Then you relax, and typically, dopamine is released into your brain, giving you 'feel good' thoughts and emotions. You can orgasm from internal sensations, like the G spot or prostate, or external sensations, like stimulating the penis or the clitoris and such."

"Orgasm has historically been harder to reach for females than for males." Xemnas stated. "About 1 in 3 women in Planned Parenthood studies expressed their difficulty to reach orgasm at all, and up to 80% of women have said that they cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. And yet you see movies upon movies and books upon books that make the process of sex look effortless and completely enjoyable."

"Yeah, and many of them will link difficulties in sex, if there are any, to one thing or another, when really, it could be many things not going right. Even fewer people will acknowledge the good that masturbation does, for singles or couples, in figuring shit out."

A few more questions were asked, and the teachers pulled up a few pictures on slides as they answered. After a bit, Xigbar reluctantly agreed to shift to some material of kids in other classes, though no one dared to ask or fathom how he got them.

Mr. Xigbar was, hands down, the weirdest guy in school.

"I heard he used to be homeless," Namine whispered to her friends, once the teachers stepped out for a short break period.

"_I_ heard that his family has ties to mafia," Riku sneered back. "Creepy fucker."

"Well, this is certainly...different," Roxas offered, scooting back in his chair and chuckling nervously when several horrified and angry eyes fell upon him.

"You're not the least bit weirded out by that picture of you and Axel in kitty ears and maid outfits sixty-nining in a sleazy Vegas hotel room?" the silver-haired kid asked, half accusing and half surprised.

"Oh no, it's definitely weird. It's a giant Stay Puft Marshmellow Man ravaging New York City level of weird. I was just trying to look on the bright side-"

"WHAT FUCKING BRIGHT SIDE?!"

Axel leaned over and put a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"Calm you tits, Riku. Either that, or get yours and Sora's ass to the courthouse already and sue this whole damn school for libel and slander."

"I, for one, am having the best day watching this," Kairi chimed in, smiling innocently at them as Sora choked. He shoved her.

"Why don't _you _care, Axel?" Riku demanded, more calmly now. "Neither of you seem that bothered by this."

"Maybe we're comfortable enough with our relationship and sexuality not to care what other people think. Besides, this shit happens to celebrities all the time. Nude photos leaked, trolls photoshopping you into porn, etc. Or maybe it's just harmless, horny people exploring and expressing their own sexuality by projecting onto other people."

"Or our teachers are pedos."

"Or they wanted to make some points and be sure they had our attention," Demyx muttered despondently from his still mortified position.

"Every once in a while, you say things that make sense," Zexion conceded with a pout. "So why do I feel so inclined to side with Riku here?"

"I just knew this day would come!" Axel sat up a little straighter and cupped his hands over his mouth. "Hey, everyone! Zexion the robot has finally expressed some of our common, conflicting human emotions!"

Roxas chuckled as his boyfriend dodged a book thrown at him, and Sora reluctantly joined in, elbowing Riku slightly. Zexion _had _to have been mad to risk damaging one of his precious babies on a thick head like Axel.

The silver-haired upperclassman rolled his eyes, but reached over and clasped his lover's hand in one of his own.

"One thing is for sure," Xion said, doodling a nuclear missile obliterating the school and several stick-figure teachers in her notebook. "This delightful discussion has successfully scared me away from ever trying sex."

"Really?" Namine asked.

The other girl gave her a deadpan look. "No."

"Oh..."

"She just means it'll be a while before she can rub one out without hearing Xigbar's smooth, silky voice talking about dildos and things."

Xion chucked one of her own books at Kairi, who darted to the door with a laugh about needing to hit the bathroom.

"Okay, kids!" Xigbar came back in and slammed the door, getting everyone's attention again. He dragged a very reluctant-looking Xemnas and Saix behind him. "Now that we've thoroughly humiliated most of you, who's ready to learn more by examining your teachers' sex lives now?"

"Yeah! Serves them right!"

"Mansex! Mansex! Mansex!" more cheered.

A student towards the back of the class promptly threw up.

"I don't recall agreeing to this part of the exercise," Xemnas seethed softly, his eye twitching when he looked out into the class and saw several of the little vermin smirking.

"And this, class, is why you always read the fine print before signing off on _anything._" The pony-tailed man grinned evil.

"Our beloved astrology teacher got his cute little nickname back in college..."


End file.
